The Success and Enlightenment Delusion
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Achieving success has always been that 'here kitty kitty' / 'carrot dangling just too far from the donkey' dilemma, for most of my life.
To 'arrive' at success was always a multi-dimensional carrot, which I sometimes got oh so very close to hitting, yet almost always missed the mark. I used to even calve up success into matrices of health, career, relationship, fitness, spiritual growth etc and draw lines to graphically represent my development. The illusion of arriving at it, meant some sort of perfection was being sought. It was always a not so far off destination, which always left the stench of never arriving to.
Well into my 20s, a less material type of success started to dominate my life. This idea of spiritually arriving at enlightenment, freedom and the consequential ending of suffering. Attached to this idea was some level of 'higher' state of consciousness, as a destination, when I had become 'fully realised'. A so called 'awakened' being who was aiming for the sun to become enlightened at some specific moment in time, like buddha became (too funny).
I became a personal development, meditation and retreat junkie. I found this spiritual development process intoxicating. Where each transcendental, or spiritual experience was a fleeting next step towards the enlightenment goal or carrot in this case.
But just like Icarus who flew too close to the sun, with feathers made of wax, I came crashing down back down to earth. I had a personal development addiction, of what I can only call 'enlighten-ism'. Experienced as sudden extreme anxiety, depression (which was suppressed) and insomnia, the carrot of arriving was now lost. And the journey to get there failed. The ironic and consequentially funny thing was, reviewing old journal entries over many years, was that the same issues I had at 22, I still had at age 38 after all this 'personal work'. How could that be?
It then hit me like a ton of bricks. In fact, it hit me and continued to hit me for over a year. Personal healing is not about being enlightened, but actually about accepting all my imperfections, wounds, memories and scars just as they are. The striving for success and enlightenment inherently meant, that I believed I was wounded.
The idea of being successful suddenly transformed into just being here right now, with all my thoughts, emotions, senses, biases and imperfections. As I became a father, I started the journey of treating all the aspects I didn't like about myself (or suppressed within myself) as my little babies which needed love and comfort. Suddenly I found myself in a place of continuous 'awakening' (note: the non destination, but a process of continuous opening) by simply being present, and more self aware as I was.
The journey has suddenly started to be more sacred and important than the destination. Being a 'positive', 'conscious' or future looking individual became the false illusion. Success was right here for the taking, each moment. And each moment requires all of me to arrive. My appointment with life is right now.
I was beginning (and had been) to embody aspects of a type of 'stoicism' philosophy where:
I allowed myself to experience all my emotions, but started to not be ruled by them when decisions needed to be made.
I realised my fate was not in my hand, but was actually a jaw dropping experience to witness each moment, which is my life. A mystery to be in awe of, not to control.
I had always put myself into slightly uncomfortable situations, which was just the place where my growth was occurring.
I also realised that decades of striving was required for me, to eventually give it up. As soon as I did too, my business started to flourish and open in new ways I have never imagined. In fact, I really didn't have to do very much for it happen. It was just happening, without me consistently trying.
I consequently found out ironically, that as a human being, I've always been growing incrementally since birth, if not conception. It was just happening without me doing anything once again. Just like nature or life works. It just happens, but you can't find who is orchestrating it all. To think that I even could control my destiny was just silly to me now.
I have started becoming 'a being', even though there is still lots of doing (especially as a new father). It was happening automatically too. The feeling is like discovering that I'm the only undiscovered oak tree, who was foolishly trying to be everything else but just an oak tree. And the kicker is, that I don't have to do (or be) anything but myself. The real problem I had overcome was accepting the parts of me which can be a dick, arrogant, sexist, impatient, dismissive and even manipulative.
But it's less of a problem for me now as I accept my imperfections, learn to even love them and bring awareness to them, knowing that change is always happening. Even not accepting certain parts of myself right now, are ok. I'm starting to be ok with being not ok.
What's become most important to me, is 'my presence' right now. How I show up for my thoughts, feelings, being a father, husband, and entrepreneur right now. Just the awareness of fully (as possible) showing up is enough, and if my awareness is not perfect, thats enough too.
I've given up on the 'need' for personal growth, knowing that personal growth and change is always just happening whether I like it or not. I'm starting to learn that trust in life is both important and unimportant (same like having goals or plans). Since, I might sometimes experience trust, and sometimes not. And both are ok. I might also hit my goals or not, and my plans will almost always change.
The present moment used to be this thin, mostly unrecognisable layer of reality, wedged between the past and future (I got that recently from a teacher). But now, its infinitely more expansive, whether I'm playing with my baby boy, looking up at the stars, or appreciating the tiniest and magnificent details of fynbos on table mountain.
I had a beautiful moment of presence this week, walking along the Sea Point promenade during sunset. It was also very unexpected. I was admiring the sea view, and walked past a teenage girl with her friend. She made what seemed, a very familiar unconscious gesture of pulling her t-shirt down to cover her waist line. I was immediately reminded of my own vulnerability with body image issues, I've had most of my life. I suddenly had this immense experience of compassion for that young teenager, remembering not only my own tough teenage years of not accepting my body. But also a bigger compassion to how many other human beings might be experiencing that same pain right now. Such a small gesture, generated such a large response of compassion in me. And I only received that gift, because I was present enough to see it. And for that I have a lot of gratitude. So, real success for me, is really that simple but so easy to miss.